


Jay and Tim Roast totheark

by Confetti94



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, OOC obviously what did you expect, Shitposts, Swearing, editing videos for days, if i missed anyone who cares. everyone is in this, this is the worst thing i've ever made
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8240689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confetti94/pseuds/Confetti94
Summary: Jay is tired of the cryptic messages from totheark. Tim suggests they do something about it.They make a shitpost. Everything goes to hell.





	1. Chapter #1

**Author's Note:**

> i hacked troys internet this is the actual real plotline of marble hornets you can thank me later

"What if we mock how cryptic totheark is?" Jay asks, leaning back in the hotel chair while looking at his editing program. Tim is holding a hand to his chin, apparently much deeper in thought than Jay thought he would be. He perks up as a thought comes to him and he grabs Jay's camera.

"Type 'haha this is mysterious you'll never figure this out assholes' on a Google Doc and then change the font to wingdings," Tim begins, "I'll film you doing it."

"You're a genius," Jay says, and he gives Tim a thumbs up when he's ready to type. While filming, Jay comically twists to look over his shoulder every five seconds as if pretending he doesn't want anyone to see the "difficult code." 

They upload it to Jay's laptop and pop it into the program, and Jay fiddles around with the audio to make it obnoxiously distorted. 

"Come with me," Jay says abruptly, taking the camera from his friend and walking to the bathroom. He turns on the sink faucet and lets the water pour down, then points at it. "Just splash your hand around in it and I'll zoom in and out to make it look dramatic or something."

"Why?"

"Because, like. 'To the ark.' The whole water symbolism shit," he elaborates.

"Oh. _Oh_ ," Tim adds, and he snorts, which Jay catches on camera as he begins to record and they fuck around with the water before going back to editing.

Jay barely puts any effort into the entire video, encouraged by Tim, who says that "the less time spent on it, the better." In the end, it's a cesspool of garbage; of the hotel TV they filmed on a dead channel, zooming in on the static with the words "SCARY STUFF" plastered in the center of the video; of Jay pretending to be the Hooded Guy _(tm)_ and jamming his camera into Tim's back as Tim pretends to look around in paranoia; of the two men flipping off the camera, with the ending being a black screen with the words "totheark, what's good?" on it. The video renders and uploads in about 30 minutes.

Almost immediately, there's a dislike. 

"It's from totheark," Tim notes in a monotone voice, and Jay just stares in disbelief.

 

 

The response from totheark is nowhere near the quality of Jay and Tim's video. The two individuals in question watch the video, hunched over Jay's screen. No, the quality is _FAR_ from Jay and Tim's upload.

It _surpasses_ their shitpost.

Because the beginning reads as follows:

" **Entry #???maybe5 (lost count sorry)**

 **After finally finding and stalking this guy who wants nothing to do with me, I managed to bring him to a place where his childhood traumas manifested!** "

Tim grunts, and Jay turns to look at him, but Tim says nothing except "Well, he's not wrong." Jay punches him in the arm. They look back at the video.

" **While there, Tim had a mental breakdown while I filmed him without empathy, then proceeded to stand up and walk away like nothing happened. We found that hoody guy and quietly followed him.** "

The video shows someone filming their shoes, pretending to walk stealthily down the halls of the abandoned hospital, deliberately jamming his feet on the broken glass and cement on the ground. The debris grinds loudly beneath the soles, and Jay cringes. It was obviously a mockery of his poor stalking skills.

"We were kind of loud, weren't we?" he mutters to himself, but Tim scowls.

"It's not like he was being the stealthiest either," he mumbles. "He didn't even attempt to hide himself."

"Maybe he didn't want to?" Jay asks.

"Let's keep watching."

" **Then I found a tape and Tim somehow lost sight of him, and then we ran into the forest despite being in danger of getting disoriented and Tim got mad at losing him. That's all, thanks for watching, hope you guys enjoy the footage of my feet.** "

"Okay, that's a low blow," Jay seethes. "I do NOT just film my feet. It's hard to keep it up all the time when you're running!"

"Use the chest camera?" Tim suggests. Jay howls.

They jolt out of their argument as the video abruptly changes, colors distorted and audio gurgling. It now looks like an actual totheark video, and the words on screen chill them both to the bone.

" **THINK THIS IS A GAME?**

 **.... . .- .-. / .. - / .... ..- .-. --. .-.. .. -. --.** "

The video ends. Jay squints.

"Isn't that just morse code? That's painfully easy," he says. Tim reaches over and unscrews the cap of a water bottle, raising it to his lips.

"It probably has a bunch of letters and numbers IN the morse code that we have to take 7 years to decode," he tiredly sighs. Jay hunches down even further.

"Yeah, you're right." Jay pulls up a morse code translator from online, typing the dots and dashes in and hitting "translate." His eyebrows furrow in confusion at what he sees.

"Hear it...hurgling?" Jay says aloud. 

Tim chokes on his water.

Jay looks up at him. "What? What is it?"

"I think-- no, I'm positive that was a meme at some point. What the hell?" Tim is pounding a fist on his chest, trying to dislodge the water that went down the wrong pipe. For some reason, Jay finds a smile stretching across his face. He cracks his knuckles and determinedly begins typing.

"Oh, it's _on_ ," he whispers to himself.


	2. totheark throws a new years party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new year new meme

It is 2017. Unfortunately for most of the Marble Hornets crew, there is no time to celebrate; this is due to the fact that they are all constantly tormented by a tall ass cryptid who wishes to fight all of them behind a 7-Eleven.

Totheark, however, does not Give A Fuck™.

He slav-squats in some bushes, watching a herd of deer nibble at the ground in search of foodstuffs. Ark-boy hardly moves, seemingly frozen to the spot. Considering the -10 degree weather, he probably is. Totheark reaches into his sweatshirt pocket and pulls out a gun.

...just kidding, could you imagine? Who the fuck could see through that heavy mask he wears over his face? Dumbass probably couldn't shoot Jay in the stomach from 5 centimeters away. 

He pulls out something crumbly in his gloved hands, some of it clattering to the ground and making some of the deer jerk their heads up. Totheark mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "shit" under his breath and holds out the strange substance (probably cocaine) quickly, open-handed. He does not move as the deer continue to stare at him, unmoving. They have a stare-down for 3 hours before a baby deer trots up and cautiously sniffs his hand. 

Totheark continues to not move.

The deer continues to sniff.

Totheark continues to not move.

The deer continues to sniff.

Totheark shoves the unknown substance into the deer's mouth.

The deer finally eats what is (probably) deer food. It munches slowly, happy with it. It tastes like cookie dough, probably. The other deer look on enviously at the feeding deer, too stupid to realize that totheark has pounds of the stuff in his pockets.

Totheark takes the remaining food and holds it out with his free hand, the deer trotting over. He remains crouching, content with his deer-posse. After an unknown amount of time, more animals come to inspect the sudden food source. Totheark twists his head nearly 360 degrees to observe them all, causing 75% of his neck to break. Dropping the deer food onto the ground, where they ravenously scramble to gobble it up, totheark slowly--almost painstakingly--reaches into his pocket.

And pulls out a light up "2017" headband.

He puts it on his head.

There is so many goddamn fireworks going off as I type. Why this.

Meanwhile, Jay continues to edit the second totheark roasting video...


End file.
